The Best Shape of My Life: A Quest for Self-actualization
By Laura Nicholls
Laura Nicholls is a full-time writer, mother, athlete, and equine advocate (but not necessarily in that order) living in Northern California. Find her on LinkedIn.
Sometime last year, I made a silent declaration: By 50, I’m going to be in the best shape of my life. Admittedly, my immediate reaction was to feel a little embarrassed by this thought. It makes sense to think about landmark birthdays, let alone arriving at a half-century, but still, this felt... shallow. My mind flooded with visions of 1980s cougars in neon athleisure.
I’ve been a nationally ranked athlete. I’ve attended the Olympic Training Center. I’ve been at eight percent body fat as a champion fitness competitor. Those disciplines are still part of my life, but this new resolution was something altogether different.
This isn’t that, I assured myself.
I wasn’t just searching for physical health or some superficial achievement, but something deeper, more meaningful. I’ve been grappling with how to classify this goal. Being your “best self”? Sort of, but that’s a little too self-help-y. Living “optimally”? Closer, but not quite.
From a dusty corner of my mind, from my past life as a psychotherapist, I felt a nudge. Self-actualization. That’s what this is.
Self-actualization is a concept introduced by psychologist Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation." It became more widely known through his later work, particularly his 1954 book Motivation and Personality, where he elaborated on the concept within his famed “hierarchy of needs.”
It represents the highest level in the hierarchy and involves fulfilling our potential and realizing personal growth, creativity, and authenticity. It goes beyond ordinary markers of “success,” focused instead on living true to oneself, striving for personal growth, and seeking meaning and purpose in life.
There it is. That’s what I’ve been after.
Approaching 50, I’m in hot pursuit of self-actualization. I’m not yearning for my athletic heyday, or some achievement nirvana. I’ve checked a lot of “success boxes” in my life, and I’ve had some epic fails, too. This isn’t a phoenix-rising story or the next milestone to reach for. It’s something new, something I feel like I owe myself—and the small eight-year-old human I share life with—in order to feel a deep, authentic sense of arrival. While I’m covering a lot of ground in my pursuit, I’ve narrowed it down to four areas: my mental health, physical health, relationships, and spirituality.
Self-actualization...right now
When I was still a therapist, I was also participating in therapy myself. Someone asked me why I didn’t just talk to myself once a week instead. I laughed at the time, but that question caused some introspection about what I was actually looking for in that weekly hour. My conclusion was, and still is, that it was to be seen, heard, and known at a deep, vulnerable, and safe level by someone whose only agenda and “job” was to help me improve and thrive as a human being.
As I’ve navigated some serious life since then, I’ve also come to the conclusion that this deep knowing doesn’t only come from time spent on the proverbial couch. It’s something we can pursue and achieve on our own, and there are a plethora of ways to go about it: Journaling, meditation, mindfulness practice, wellness apps, and on and on it goes. It’s not always a comfortable, pleasant, or easy pursuit, but it is worthwhile and accessible.
It would be nice to think that we just arrive at a point in our lives where we want and are ready to do the deep, introspective work. And, sometimes it goes that way. In my experience, though, sometimes the universe grabs hold of you and there’s nowhere else to look but inward.
When my daughter was about six months old, I found myself in a women’s shelter, out of state, scared as hell, and very much alone. I had walked away from all of my possessions and income and, with a diaper bag and a few t-shirts I’d grabbed at the last minute, I was looking at recreating my entire life literally from the ground up. And, I was doing it with a small pair of eyes watching.
I felt as if I’d lost my entire sense of self—no, I had handed it away. In the sanctuary of a 40-acre ranch and caretaking for about 35 horses where we very fortuitously landed for the next six years, I spent a great deal of time sitting with myself. I was not only finding my way back to me... but better this time. I poured into very meditative, hard, physical work caring for the ranch and its horses. I journaled. I prayed. I meditated. I cried. I listened. And yes, for a brief period, I returned to the couch to talk it out.
Eight years later, what I’ve come away with is a new appreciation for and understanding that I can do the work. But it is just that: work. It’s staying on top of my thoughts, it’s being honest with myself about how I’m showing up in my relationships, and sometimes it’s doing hard or uncomfortable things.
With the deepest respect for my previous craft and those who practice and participate in it, it’s also embracing that knowing myself deeply is something I can achieve through a variety of means, as long as I’m intentional about it. In grounding myself this way, I’m able to move into the world around me more thoughtfully, productively, and helpfully.
Working it out
When I was about 14 years old, I started exercising and becoming a student of my physical health. At the time, it was a way to bring order to chaos and control the only thing I thought I could control—my physical body.
I had never really been good at anything when it came to sports, and I only joined teams that I couldn’t get cut from. Hardest worker, most improved… that was me, until it wasn’t. Later I would learn that consistently showing up for myself and doing the hard work would pay off. After long, I was a nationally ranked athlete in my sport, crew, MVP of my college team, and being scouted for the Olympics. The external validation was incredibly rewarding, but what was more rewarding was my first experience of deciding that something was going to happen... and then making it happen.
Later on, the reason I decided to enter the world of fitness competition was because no one thought I would—including myself. Just like becoming an acknowledged athlete and competitor earlier, there was a theme of why not me? There was something deeply empowering about doing things that no one else was and even more so, doing things I thought I couldn’t or wouldn’t do.
Accomplishments aside, being in the “best shape of my life” means so much more to me now than it did when I was younger. It’s not just about working out, it’s about feeling whole. Vital. Powerful. It means thinking about other things now, like my sleep habits and how I’m managing stress. It also means other ways of affecting this incredibly designed machine we were all gifted with by exploring things like cold exposure, red light therapy, and a technique called Non-Sleep Deep Relaxation.
I still find a lot of energy and gratification in pushing myself physically and doing hard things. And, taking care of my physical body isn’t just about health anymore. As David Goggins, former Navy SEAL, ultramarathon runner, and motivational speaker, says, it’s about 'developing calluses' on my mind, which strengthens me in so many non-physical ways.
Doing so, especially when I don’t feel like it, brings order to every other aspect of my life. When I feel better, I show up better… everywhere. My time spent doing hard things—mentally, physically, and when no one else is watching—brings me a deep sense of connection to myself and what I’m capable of. And really, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Connectedness
Like just about everyone else, I play several roles—mother, friend, sister, daughter, colleague, and probably a few I’m not thinking of right now. There have been times when I’ve felt a deep sense of unease and an underlying anxiety that I realized was playing in the background of my thoughts and mood. And, just about every time, when I’ve sat with myself and regrouped, it’s been due to some kind of disharmony in my relationships—disharmony that I either created or had some ability to address by looking at how I was enabling or allowing it.
When it’s been a mess that I personally created, it’s been because I was being messy with myself by not paying enough attention to the other areas of my life. I was bringing my very own personal brand of chaos into my relationships. When it’s been a mess I didn’t necessarily create, but that I somehow let happen, it’s also been because I wasn’t tending to myself in the ways that I needed to.
In either case, it’s my responsibility to take a good hard look at how I’m showing up in my relationships, clarify how I want to show up, and then do something about it. It’s not always that simple or linear, and I don’t always get it right. But, the sense of clarity and peacefulness that I’m at least doing my part, and doing the best I can with all my faults and idiosyncrasies, is well worth the awkward and sometimes painful moments. And it almost always improves the quality of my relationships.
I have this other, powerful motivator, though, that transcends wanting my relationships and life to feel harmonious. It’s by far the most meaningful and important relationship in my life, and it’s being a mother. It’s just the two of us, and it always has been. My messiness is not her responsibility or burden, and it’s my most compelling reason to be mindful and intentional about how I’m showing up.
I’m responsible for shaping another human being’s reality and worldview. Her ideas about how to be a healthy, loving, thoughtful person come from different contexts, but it starts with me. I in no way claim that from a heady, righteous place but rather from the most humble, soul-exposing experience I’ve ever had. It is, by far, the best and hardest work I’ve ever done… and will continue to do.
Belief in something bigger
While there was no prevalent theme of faith in my household growing up, I was driven to connect to something larger than myself at an early age. I’m sure there could be all kinds of interesting psychological takes on that, but I’m also sure that I’m not alone in that.
We’re wired to look for a deeper, more profound connection with our existence, the universe, a higher power... something bigger and other than ourselves. It goes beyond our external experience, our achievements, and even our relationships, and compels us to understand our purpose and how we’re aligned with the Bigger Picture.
I pursued this within the framework that was available to me as a child. With my parents’ blessing but also their minimal participation, I set out to deepen my connection to something larger than myself. Even during times in my life when I’ve put this pursuit on the shelf, it’s always been a theme for me and I’m glad that it persists—it never seems to go away.
I’m also a curious observer of other people’s belief systems and the many different ways these manifest. Our connection to something greater becomes a place that can feel other than our physical, present selves and deeply comforting and grounding at the same time. It gives us a context to approach all aspects of our lives and helps us feel that we’re living intentionally, with meaning and purpose, rather than just taking our days as they come.
And, in my own experience, our belief system gives us something to touch into when it seems like there is absolutely nowhere else to go. It’s been a way to pull myself out of the chaos and whirlwind around me, connect, and come back into the world from a more peaceful, intentional place.
Where I go from here
I definitely don’t have all the answers, but what I’m most excited and encouraged about as I’m on this path of self-actualization is that I’m looking for them. And maybe, the answers aren’t what’s important—it’s searching for them.
As I’m closing in on being in the best shape of my life, I’m looking at these different areas of my existence. I’m not just taking them as they come, or passively standing by to see how things work out, I’m owning them. It’s by no means perfect, or pretty, but I’m doing my best to take consistent inventory and show up as intentionally and effectively as possible.
That, right there, is being in the best shape of my life. It’s the clarity and confidence that I’m nurturing all of these areas to the absolute best of my ability. Self-actualization isn’t about the end product of those efforts, but rather who I become in the process.
It’s messy. It’s hard. It’s vulnerable and uncomfortable. But it’s always, hands down, work worth doing.