From Force to Flow: Embracing Natural Change in Personal Growth
By Andras Lenart
Andras Lenart, a therapist devoted to helping people cultivate greater aliveness, weaves together philosophical inquiry, psychological insight, and practical wisdom to inspire a more vivid, expansive engagement with life. He writes on his Substack, Explorations in Aliveness.
I vividly remember the day my body betrayed me.
There she was—a beautiful woman wearing a shirt that ironically proclaimed “Just do it.” The universe seemed to nudge me forward, but my feet remained planted. My body, consumed by a paralyzing freeze response, refused to budge. Terror coursed through me, not from any external threat, but from the simple act of considering striking up a conversation.
This wasn't an isolated incident, but a pattern that had plagued me for years. Whenever I saw a woman I'd like to get to know, finding the courage to introduce myself felt impossible. Objectively, I knew I was attractive and had a lot to offer, yet on an emotional level, I was terrified. Deep down, a voice whispered that rejection was inevitable, that any interaction would confirm my fear of being unlovable. Why bother trying?
Over the years, I tried to force my way through this fear. I pushed myself into uncomfortable situations and achieved genuine successes. I went on dates, formed meaningful relationships, and had experiences that others would undoubtedly view as positive outcomes. Yet, no matter how many dates I went on or connections I made, the core belief remained untouched. The fear of rejection and the inevitable confirmation of my unlovability always lurked beneath the surface, ready to emerge at the next opportunity.
It seemed the harder I tried to use my willpower to change, the more I stayed stuck. But what if there was another way? What if lasting change didn't require this exhausting inner conflict?
The mirage of willpower
Our culture celebrates willpower. We admire those who can push through pain, resist temptation, and force themselves to change through sheer grit. From motivational posters in gyms to inspirational memes on social media, the idea that we can overcome any obstacle through sheer force of will is pervasive.
While mantras like “No pain, no gain" and “Mind over matter” can be effective in certain contexts, such as physical training or skill acquisition, applying them to emotional healing and personal change can be problematic. When we struggle to change, we often interpret it as a personal failure, rather than a sign that our approach might be flawed. We berate ourselves for not trying hard enough, for lacking discipline, or for being “weak-willed.” This self-criticism can create a vicious cycle of effort, failure, and self-recrimination.
The result is inner friction, a constant tension between who we are and who we think we should be. We might succeed briefly through sheer force of will, only to slip back into old patterns when our energy or motivation wanes.
It's like trying to force a flower to bloom by prying its petals open—not only ineffective, but potentially damaging.
The nature of transformative change
So if willpower isn't the answer, what is?
The key lies in understanding the nature of our behaviors and beliefs. Every behavior, no matter how irrational it may seem on the surface, makes sense on a deeper emotional level. The traits that limit us are not random malfunctions, but coherent responses to our perceived reality.
Unlike willpower-based approaches, transformative change seeks to create shifts at our core. It's not about forcing new behaviors or thoughts, but facilitating a natural evolution of our patterns and beliefs.
The role of emotional learning and memory reconsolidation is central to this approach. Our behaviors and reactions are often driven by implicit emotional learnings—conclusions drawn from past experiences, often outside our conscious awareness. These learnings, although once adaptive, may no longer serve us in our current context.
The symptom coherence model
The model of symptom coherence, developed by Bruce Ecker and Laurel Hulley, provides a framework for understanding this process. It posits that our symptoms or problematic behaviors aren't random malfunctions, but rather make perfect emotional sense given our past experiences and learnings. They serve a protective function, even if they're no longer helpful in our current context.
For example, imagine a woman who struggles with perfectionism at work, often staying late to meticulously check her work. This behavior stems from childhood experiences with her highly critical parents, who only showed affection when she achieved perfect grades. Her perfectionism, which originally served to secure love and avoid rejection, has now become counterproductive. It's not a random flaw, but a learned strategy for emotional safety.
In my own experience, the paralyzing fear I felt when approaching potential romantic interests wasn't a meaningless malfunction. It was rooted in painful childhood experiences of rejection and ridicule. My anxiety served as a protective mechanism to avoid the anticipated pain of rejection. Even though it was debilitating, it made perfect sense for me at a deep level, because I had learned that social interactions could lead to devastating emotional harm.
The process of transformative change
According to Ecker and Hulley, lasting change occurs through what’s termed "memory reconsolidation." This involves three key steps:
Vividly accessing the implicit emotional learning
Introducing new experiences that contradict this learning
Juxtaposing these contradictory knowings, to trigger the brain's innate process of memory revision
My personal experience illustrates this process vividly. Through therapy and integrative introspection, I accessed the emotional root of my belief about rejection and unlovability. This involved revisiting and re-experiencing pivotal memories from my childhood—for example, a moment in grade 6 when I overheard girls in my class speaking harshly about me and questioning my sexuality. This experience had left me feeling utterly despondent, cementing a belief that no girl would ever be interested in me, that I was fundamentally undesirable and unlovable.
By fully evoking the emotional reality of this memory while simultaneously holding the adult understanding of my inherent worth, I was able to challenge the validity of my old belief. This juxtaposition allowed for a deep, experiential integration of a new understanding: that my worth is independent of others' responses to me.
This process aligns with our current understanding of memory reconsolidation, the brain's built-in mechanism for updating emotional learnings. When we activate an old belief and simultaneously experience something that contradicts it, we open a brief window where that belief becomes malleable and can be revised.
The nature of true change
It's important to note that the process of achieving this transformative change is not effortless. It requires the courage to face painful memories, a willingness to challenge long-held beliefs, and persistence in exploring new perspectives. The work of therapy or self-reflection can be challenging and uncomfortable.
However, once this shift occurs, the resulting change unfolds with remarkable ease. It's like suddenly realizing that what you thought was a dangerous snake is actually just a harmless rope. Once you see it clearly, you don't need to use willpower to stop being afraid; the fear dissolves on its own. The effort lies in the seeing, not in the changing.
This effortlessness extends to the durability of the change. Unlike willpower-based changes, which can revert when we're tired or stressed, transformative changes stick. They represent a fundamental update to our understanding of reality, not just a suppression of old patterns.
In my own experience with dating anxiety, once I separated my self-worth from the fear of rejection, my approach transformed naturally. The paralyzing fear dissolved: not because I forced myself to be brave, but because potential rejection no longer threatened my core sense of self.
While I still experience occasional nervousness in social situations, the debilitating anxiety is gone. I don't have to fight against it or use techniques to manage it. My natural responses are simply different now.
A new paradigm of change
As we face our personal challenges, perhaps it's time to question our assumptions about change. What if the constant effort and struggle we associate with personal growth are unnecessary, or even counterproductive? What if lasting change could unfold with surprising ease, once we understand and address the true nature of our minds?
This perspective doesn't negate the value of discipline or sustained effort in acquiring skills or achieving goals. But it suggests that for deep, personal change—shifts in our emotional responses, behaviors, and sense of self—there might be a more effective path.
I invite you to reflect on your own experiences. Have you ever had moments where a longstanding issue suddenly dissolved, not through ongoing effort, but through a shift in understanding? These experiences, often dismissed as anomalies, might in fact be glimpses of the internal transformative change process at work.
By embracing this understanding, we open ourselves to a new way of approaching change—one that aligns with our deeper nature, reduces unnecessary suffering, and allows for profound transformation. While the process of achieving this transformation may require effort and courage, the resulting change can unfold with an ease that feels almost magical.
In doing so, we can not only transform ourselves, but also our entire approach to personal growth and development.